Filed under: Me, Worship
So, my first resolution is about writing. Writing regularly has always been a difficult thing for me. I’ve struggled with it a lot over the years and I’ve spent quite a bit of time pondering why. I always felt like this was somehow a testament to the fact that I’m not a writer; because, as almost every single writing book will tell you – writers write. And yet, that doesn’t ring true because when I do write – I truly enjoy the entire experience. The decisions regarding which specific word best describes something – how the words sound when I say them aloud – what it might mean to someone else who’s reading this… it’s all part of the experience. Beyond that, I just want so badly to get my thoughts down on paper. So, I think my irregular writing has been a mix of the following:
- Fear – yes, a simple one, but true. Quite often, I think my writing is just horrid and should just be chucked out a window and I should never attempt to put another word to virtual paper. But, after reading a number of books on writing, I realize this is an incredibly common situation. There are few writers who haven’t encountered this self-loathing regarding their own prose. We just can’t help but continue to do it.
- Pride – again, a pretty obvious one. I want my writing to be great. Not just good. I want angels to sing and people to be amazed at the power of my prose. But, whenever I write and I read back what I wrote – I’m certain that it’s barely even good. So, why even try – that’s pride. There are few really great writers in the world and a writer can only improve his craft by actually writing and receiving criticism and then working to overcome that criticism by actually improving his writing. Writing, while part art, is also a craft that gets better as you gain experience and hone your skills.
- Time – it takes me a long time to write. Part of the reason is that my articles tend to be so very long. But I’m not going to get any faster at trimming my verbiage and saying more with less without actually writing a lot and learning to say more with less.
- Changing my mind – writing is, in many ways, permanent. But I evolve. My thinking evolves – my worldview evolves – my entire reality evolves. As I draw nearer to Christ, my perspective shifts. I no longer think the way I used to and yet my words are out there. Sometimes, I can sense a shift coming. I can tell that God is dealing with me in a big way about something that I’ve held dear – something I’ve written strongly about in the past. So, I grow silent during this time because during this evolutionary phase, I don’t trust my words anymore. I can flip-flop my thinking quickly as I process the truth that God is revealing. One day, I’m sticking to my guns about what I think and the next day I realize I’m prideful and hard-headed while the next day I think I’m going soft in the head and becoming wishy washy in my thinking. It isn’t until the process is complete and truth is borne out through scripture that I can actually see clearly enough to have a more coherent view on what I’m thinking. I hate being wrong… even though I know I often am. Putting things out for people to read leaves you vulnerable. Also, quite often, I don’t even remember I used to think differently until I go back and read what I used to say and I’m stunned into silence. Of course – this, too, is normal. Every single person evolves their thinking. It’s silly to think otherwise. Nobody remains consistent in their thinking from birth to death (save Christ Himself).
- False humility – why do I think myself worthy of being read at all? Who am I to think that saying anything about anything is something I should be doing? Why are the meanderings and mutterings of an average person such as myself even worthy of being read? But then, I realize, that I don’t write to be read. I don’t really write for me. I write because it’s all inside of me and I want to get it out. I write because God has placed truth in my heart and sometimes the only way for me to work it out is to write it out. And, somehow, I know that this working out of my faith in this form is helpful to some (or might be). I hope the gospel is evident in this struggle; therefore, it glorifies Him to do this.
- I feel I have nothing worthwhile to say at times – really, it’s true. Those of you who know me probably doubt this because it seems I have an opinion about everything. And that’s true. There’s little I don’t have an opinion about. That said, I don’t always feel my opinion is worth much on a subject and, therefore, I don’t write about it.
I love to write. I love the entire act of writing. I know I have a long way to go as far as honing the craft of writing. I repeat myself a lot and I repeat certain phrases to the point of sounding like a broken record. But, in time, I hope that I’ll see these things, or a good friend will point them out and my writing will improve.
All I know is that I must write regularly. No more excuses. Who cares if nobody reads this stuff and who cares if it isn’t worth reading – I have to write. It’s in my bones. I get grumpy when I go too long without writing something. So, I shall meander out onto this blog more regularly with various subjects – some, I hope, are interesting. Others, I warn you, will just be silly. Some dangerous. Some ridiculous. Some with little merit. And some – well, some that are just plain stupid. But – it’s a blog.
My hope. My great hope. Is that I would glorify God on these pages. That somehow, through my musings, you would see that the life I lead is only possible because He saved me. The things that I do are only possible because He enables me. Who I am is completely wrapped up in who He is. That is my goal – that is my plea – that is my prayer. You see, I love Jesus and He loves me. I don’t care how trite or cliché that sounds. It just is. I am a man stumbling on His way to meet the King and yet, even in my stumbling, I can see Him waiting there patiently with unjudging eyes, excited that I’m coming.
- Tags: Angels, Decisions, Fear, First Resolution, Gain Experience, Great Writers, Long Time, Pride, Prose, Self Loathing, Testament, Verbiage, Virtual Paper